Buster

After being stuffed into a patrol car, an accused vandal told police that his name was “Mr. Monopoly” and that he was born, of course, on 4-20-69, records show.

Investigators say Ryan Howard, 33, was arrested Saturday evening for spray painting a wall in St. Petersburg, Florida.

When officers confronted him, Howard had a bag slung over his shoulder containing “spray paint cans that could be observed in plain view.”

Told that he was required to identify himself, Howard was initially mute. But after being detained, Howard “stated ‘Mr. Monopoly’ and provided a date of birth of 4/20/1969,” according to a cop.

Howard was subsequently identified via his Maine driver's license.

In addition to criminal mischief, Howard was charged with resisting, a misdemeanor, for providing cops with a fake name and date of birth.

Seen above, Howard had the chance to go directly to jail. He will be released from custody after officials collect $1000 bond.

In an attempt to hide from police, a wanted Florida Man somehow folded himself into a small front-loading dryer, a feat of audacity and pliablility that was eventually thwarted.

David Jackson, 31, was being sought by cops on felony assault and weapons charges when investigators received a tip that Jackson was inside a Pensacola residence.

During a search Friday of the residence, deputies discovered Jackson inside the laundry room. Inside “a remarkably small dryer drum,” cops reported. Jackson, wearing a purple Star Wars t-shirt, was pulled from the appliance and arrested.

Jackson, pictured in these police photos, is being held in the Escambia County lockup in lieu of $120,000 bond.

According to a June 2023 police report, Jackson is 5' 10" tall and weighs 150 pounds. TSG is endeavoring to determine the make and model of the dryer/bolthole.

As reported in these pages, a man facing felony and misdemeanor narcotics charges was found earlier this year hiding inside a dryer in the kitchen of a Louisiana home.

A handcuffed 73-year-old man somehow was able to “forcibly” throw a cheeseburger at a cop, leading to the suspect’s arrest on a felony battery charge, records show.

Police responded Wednesday night to a Wawa convenience store in Fort Pierce, Florida “in reference to a subject being present who was previously trespassed.”

Since the “trespass was still active,” police arrested Joseph Delancy and placed him in handcuffs. “During the detainment of Joseph, he was holding half of a cheeseburger,” an officer reported.

“After being provided demands to drop said burger, he refused to do so,” according to an arrest report. “After the handcuffs were placed onto him, Joseph forcibly threw the burger into my right leg,” a cop added.

The cheeseburger struck the patrolman, leaving behind burger “residue” on the thigh of the lawman (who survived the attack).

Delancy was charged with trespassing, a misdemeanor, and battery on a law enforcement officer, a felony. He is locked up in lieu of $10,000 bond on the higher count.

Delancy (seen at left) has a lengthy rap sheet that includes convictions for attempted murder, fraud, and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. He was arrested in 2022 for allegedly attempting to strike a cop with a metal pole.

A Texas woman went on a cruise and left her children--an eight-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl--home alone in the family’s $3600-a-month apartment in Houston, police charge.

According to a criminal complaint, neighbors of Lakesha Woods Williams, 29, spotted her departing the luxury McKinley Apartments on April 4 with “luggage and bags” and “never saw her return to the location.”

Aware that children may have been left in the 21st floor apartment (which has a small balcony), a witness called police. Cops who visited the complex on April 9 discovered the two children in the apartment, which was “in complete disarray and had trash and left-over food all over the unit” and reeked of urine.

The children told police that their mother “had left them since April 4, 2024, to go on vacation on a cruise and they did not know when she would return.” The boy used a phone to text his mother while she was vacationing, and cops found a webcam that Williams allegedly “was using to watch and talk to the children while she was away.”

The children were examined by emergency service personnel and subsequently released to the custody of their aunt. When contacted by police, Williams (seen above) was uncooperative, refused to return to the residence, and “was switching up her story on her whereabouts,” according to the complaint and other court records.

After an April 12 court hearing, a judge ordered Williams--who was busted on a felony child abandonment count--locked up in lieu of $25,000 bail, citing the “egregious nature of this offense” and witness accounts that “this is not the first time something like this has occurred.”

Williams is scheduled for arraignment on June 11.

According to a financial affidavit, Williams earns $6000 monthly working full-time for a nursing service. She has lived for the last year in a 1300-square-foot apartment with two bedrooms and two bathrooms. The McKinley complex features an outdoor pool, clubroom, library, fitness club, sports lounge, and private wine storage.

On Easter, the manager of a Walgreens store suffered a Bible belting “because she was being rude,” according to a customer who is now facing a felony battery charge.

Police say Peter Owens, 35, went to the pharmacy Sunday evening to purchase a pair of headphones. While at the Clearwater, Florida business, Owens got into a “verbal altercation” with an employee over the headphones, according to a criminal complaint.

When Nicole Merck, the 36-year-old store manager, approached Owens (seen at right) and asked him to leave the Walgreens, “Peter used the brown Bible in his hand and struck Nicole in the face one time before he exited the store.”

After the alleged Bible battery, cops located Owens and took him into custody. After being read his rights, Owens reportedly admitted to striking Merck “in the face one time with his Bible because she was being rude to him.”

“Peter stated he did not mean to hit her,” Officer Ryan Wall reported.

The criminal charge against Owens was enhanced to a felony count since he has a 2020 conviction in Michigan for assault & battery (for which he was sentenced to a year’s probation).

Owens was released from the county jail last night after posting $5000 bond. A judge has ordered him to have no contact with Merck and he must stay away from the Walgreens outlet.

According to his Facebook page, Owens works as a golf instructor and is a Wayne State University graduate. A Grosse Pointe, Michigan native, Owens now lives in Ellenton, a Gulf Coast city near Sarasota.

A Chipotle manager exposed himself and masturbated in the dining room of a Pennsylvania restaurant, according to police who say that a female victim “felt three squirts of liquid hit her jeans” when she got up to leave the table where the man had allegedly been pleasuring himself.

Following the March 1 incident at the eatery in Camp Hill, a Harrisburg suburb, two women went to the local police station to “report a sexual assault,” according to a March 18 criminal complaint.

The women--one of whom was a former Chipotle employee--detailed an encounter with Kyseem Ransome, the 26-year-old manager. The duo told cops they were seated at a communal table (seen below) talking with Ransome and other employees when Ransome began “doing something with his hands down his crotch.”

One of the women said she saw Ransome “touching his penis outside his pants,” recalling that she was “in denial” and looked away. The woman added that Ransome “grabbed numerous napkins and placed them down by his penis” and subsequently “brought one napkin up from his crotch and placed it on the table. The napkin was sticking to itself.”

The second woman reported noticing Ransome “moving his hands a lot down around his penis,” adding that she “could see him jacking off.”

When the former Chipotle worker got up to leave the table, she “felt three squirts of liquid hit her jeans,” the complaint alleges.

During police questioning, Ransome reportedly “confirmed the incident” in verbal and written statements. He was charged yesterday with multiple misdemeanors, including indecent assault, open lewdness, and indecent exposure.

Ransome was suspended from Chipotle and, if he has not been already, is expected to be fired. Ransome is pictured above wearing his Chipotle uniform in a selfie apparently snapped in the restaurant’s bathroom.