Naked Tweaker Desecrated A Baptismal Font

OCTOBER 10--A North Dakota man tweaking on meth yesterday stripped off his clothes and went into a church’s baptismal font before emerging to walk toward the altar while masturbating, an affront witnessed by 75 individuals attending mass, according to a probable cause affidavit.

The 9 AM mass Tuesday at Spirit of Life Church was interrupted when Zachary Burdick, 21, appeared in the entryway of the Roman Catholic church in Mandan, a city about five miles from Bismarck.

A female church employee called police after Burdick (seen at right) disrobed and entered the font, where he was “masturbating facing the altar.” Burdick, she added, then “began walking down the aisle toward the altar while still masturbating.”

Witness Darrell Kilzer, 68, told police that Burdick began to “splash around” in the “Holy Water fountain.” Kilzer added that Burdick later “entered the sanctuary with his ‘machinery’ hanging out and was ‘pumping’ himself.”

Father Todd Kreitinger, who was conducting mass when Burdick arrived, said that the intruder “dipped his rear-end into the Holy Water fountain and splashed around a bit before entering the sanctuary while masturbating.” The priest, pictured below, added that the font would have to be cleaned and sanitized, a process that would cost the church about $500.

When confronted by police, Burdick reportedly said that he was “tweaking” on meth and admitted to using hashish oil. Burdick, Officer Nicholas Pynnonen reported, “appeared to be under drug influence.”

When the patrolman noted that he could not masturbate in public, Burdick replied, “Especially in church.” Burdick then reportedly declared that he was “trying to bust a nut” inside the church.

Burdick was charged with felony indecent exposure and disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor. He made his initial appearance this afternoon in Morton County District Court.

While often a misdemeanor, Burdick’s alleged indecent exposure was charged as a felony because it occurred within 50 feet of “where private religious instruction is given to children aged 3-9.” No children attending the church’s educational program saw Burdick’s antics, however.

Burdick’s Facebook page describes him as a “Rapper, Producer, Songwriter.” (3 pages)